Let me be vague in stating that I found a girl who seemed perfect for God's will in my life, we had wonderful times, then we broke up. There's no reason to go into details of what all occurred, that information is private and really insignificant to this post. What I can tell you is that I thought I knew God's perfect plan for me. It would take quite a bit of hard work and faith, and by quite a bit I mean an amount that it seemed almost improbable and impossible. But our God is the God of the impossible, right?
It didn't work out. My thoughts were to go home and clear my head then go back to school, start over with a new job, and then get involved in ministry. I then remembered that I thought the same thing when I started my job back in March, after I went a month and a half without a job. It was going well. Then as the summer progressed, it started interfering with my church attendance. I became bogged down and really didn't notice that my relationship with God was lacking. Let me tell you, you can pray EVERY SINGLE DAY, you can read your Bible EVERY SINGLE DAY, you can have good intentions to be a part of ministry and do things for God... but you can still lose focus of God. It doesn't seem to make sense, though. You could think that, yeah. But for whatever reason, reading the Bible became a routine, praying seemed to be the same thing night after night, and... well... ministry never got started or done.
As the thought process occurred, I had to come to terms with the pain I felt. I walked to my truck at 1 in the morning and yelled out to God in anger, "If you don't want me to leave right now, then stop me!" God didn't stop me. I got in my truck. Earlier on that night, I couldn't concentrate on work due to emotions and my performance was lacking. I failed at my job and had to leave. From that point on, there was no turning back... what with the 800 bucks I had to make each month to make ends meet. The job was gone and I just had to clear my head, nothing else mattered.
I drove through possibly the worst storm that night/morning. I could barely see the car in front of me and had to go 50 in a 65 mph zone. But the whole time, I just kept moving. I made the decision to leave and it got difficult but I couldn't turn back. I just had to keep my eyes on the lines of the lanes to both my left and right, that's all I could do to keep from wrecking my vehicle. But at the same time, as I was enduring the storm, I had a peace that God would get me home safely. The whole time, I sang to David Crowder and just praised God because I knew He knew what He was going to do with me. I got home and felt at peace that this is where God wanted me to reside.
The next morning, I doubted everything because I feared being alone. I feared about not having a girlfriend. I took my eyes off God again and focused on the pain. I kept blaming myself and beating myself up. I was too overbearing, I wasn't trusting enough, I didn't have enough patience, etc. etc. etc. I placed my hope in her being the plan that God constructed. I placed all my chips and money on her. That was why I stayed in Springfield, that was why I endured the long hours of work, the bills, the plan. I endured the plan because she was going to be the final outcome... this was God's plan for me. Just endure it all... that's all I had to do. Meanwhile, my relationship with God was lacking. I forgot about God... how dumb of me.
What is God's plan now? I don't know, but I'm more at peace here in my hometown. I've gotten closer to God and closer to the things I needed to work on. I'm not perfect and I'm not as mature in Christ, but He'll continue to do His work in me and not give up on me. As of right now, I have a clean slate. I get to do ministry here in my hometown! Lord knows I'm not going to lack in that area again. I'm going to get a job but only if that job allows me to have the days off I need to do ministry. I'm placing God first. I'm going to continue with Distance-Education and try to get my masters. I shouldn't worry about a girlfriend or wife... God will bring her when the timing is right. I'm not going to waiver on the qualities I want in her. I'm praying for her every night. It seems nearly impossible to find her right now, so it's only logical to just not even think about it.
You know my situation now. I'd really appreciate your prayers as I continue this path of my life. There are no regrets but only praise in how God can still care about such a worm as I. I'm going to come out of this a better man- smarter and more mature in Christ. I hope this could help you get through things if you're struggling. Lord knows it wouldn't be by accident you're reading this.
In Christ,
Dustin
