I like to think of myself as a "good" person, I would at least. Every time I get to work at 8a.m. though, I'm somehow convinced in my mind through a period of thoughtful conversations that I don't amount to anything. I don't technically have my degree due to CLM (Christian Life Ministry) requirements and a study in either Costa Rica or Colombia. When the time came for one of those two trips, I felt God pushing me towards the opportunity to go to China for 6 weeks. He provided, I went, and I realized at that point that God did want me there; however, nowadays, I'm not even sure if I'll get to go back.
I'm a dishwasher... I look around and see my friend from college as a youth pastor with a wife and a child on the way. I see another friend who graduated and is a teacher and worker at his church. I see yet another friend working for the college and on his way to getting married. I look at my life and can't help but compare myself to them wondering what I did wrong to get such a position in life. I help out with the youth department and even preach at my church on random occasions. Such events are sweet but too far between for my desire to lead a class or group of Christian people. More events will be less likely to occur once we do find a youth pastor to head the class.
My job I get paid to do requires me to dump trash, sweep floors, scrub floors, scrub toilets, vacuum floors, bake bread and potatoes, and wash dishes. Give me a load of laundry then I'll be a house keeper. All in the meanwhile, I'm yearning for something more. I'm yearning to be a full-time dad some day where I can hold my little girl or little boy and let them know they mean the world to me. I want to be the #1 Dad where my kid will draw pictures at school of things we've done together, one of which, praying with daddy before going to bed. I also want to be the hero to a good godly Christian woman. I want to fulfill her needs and be the example of Christ's love for the church in her life. I already know the man I want to be in the relationship, I've been preparing for it since I got saved in high school. Since as long as I can remember, my goal has been to get married and have children.
As I hope and pray for my future wife and children, I have to come to terms that I don't have them right now and there is a reason why God has withheld them from my life. It isn't that I'm not searching either; on the contrary, I'm looking everywhere leaving no stone unturned; however, I'm also praying and placing my trust that God will provide them when the time comes. I've written notes for my wife, even vows that I want to tell her on my wedding day- I've been preparing myself for her and I've been waiting too.
That last quality is most important to me.
In this day and age, it's hard to see how anyone is waiting on their future spouse. Instead, they give the blessing that God had made for them to give to anyone that comes into their life. I understand that they may feel at the time that the person they've met has convinced them they'll be together forever. Who can foresee themselves breaking up before ever getting into a relationship? I know I would have never pursued one if I saw the future outcome as such.
It's important that she does wait and that she prays too. Maybe some people need encouragement... maybe along the lines of, 'hey, someone else is actually doing this in the real world today, not just in the past.' Every morning and every night I pray for her, not knowing who she is, where she is but when she comes along, I can honestly say that a day didn't go by when I didn't think of my future wife. I've waited for her... not even just withholding sex from another person, but even rejecting sexual immorality out of my life altogether. Yes, those details are personal; however, whatever you think that coincides with- I don't do it and I don't do it specifically for my wife.
As the final outlining idea indicates, I not only prepare myself for my wife just for her but for the glorifying of God through the process. I want my family to pray together, serve God together, and even lead others to Christ together. I want the love of my family to portray Jesus to the world. I don't want to be the dad that forces all the rules on my children without them understanding that I do have a reason. I want them to understand and make their own godly choices. I want them to choose to serve God with all their heart, mind, and soul.
Before this time comes in my life, I will have to see friend after friend get engaged. I enjoy hearing the great news that they bare and the joys they'll soon have. Deep down, I long for the day I can stress out about saving up for a diamond, hoping and praying she'll love it. I long for the day I get to plan out Christmas for the whole family, I get to plan out something amazing for an anniversary, or I get to hold my child's hand as they take their first steps.
I read articles online too. I have read that some people are still waiting and about to hit the age of 29, and another the age of 34. I'm 22, still a ways off, but as I know, time moves fast. God tells us to be patient for the perfecting of our faith. That word perfecting better relates to the word 'maturing.' Sometimes, God calls us to be patient so that we may mature and understand Him better. If we can come to terms with waiting 20 years for our future spouse and family, then God be praised. As of right now, I'm impatient and I'm dreading how long God may want me to wait.
I don't want to be a dishwasher forever. For one reason, the numbers just don't add up to me to take up a lifelong voyage on that path. As of right now, I CAN'T take on all of the financial aspects with the job I have. In order to get an apartment, pay for student loans, pay for my truck, insurance, health insurance, and etc., I would live in poverty- which I'm technically in that pay range anyways. If I continued in Springfield the way I was going, I wouldn't have been able to support myself to the point of trying to figure out what to do for food. As I re-evaluate the numbers, I would be struggling so much right now. I thank God that I can now save up in this time-period and just focus on my truck and school payments.
Eventually, I do want to move out, but that requires a higher paying job which I don't have the degree to get. Don't get me wrong, I loved college, but it seems to be the worst financial mistake of my life right now. The degree I "don't" have means nothing to the secular world and there isn't a job force desperately seeking out the Intercultural Studies Major. As of right now, I need to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't support a wife, making it alright that I don't have one. I want to make sure I at least have that detail in order.
I know you may be waiting too. Maybe just as impatient or even more so then me. I understand it's hard to come to terms with the idea that God will provide when exactly He means to do it. I understand that it may be difficult to have hope or faith when there aren't even Christians your age around your area and all the supposed Christians are just in name only.
Pray.
Don't just half-heartedly wish things would come true, but believe and trust that God will provide. If you don't trust Him, don't even begin to talk. Maybe sometimes, in all of your prayers, you need to just shut-up. Maybe you need to stop and listen, to hear what He has to say. And don't give up. Don't throw yourself away. At the end of it all, if I can say that I held onto my values and didn't resort to desperation or sin, God is glorified.
What if I become an 80 year old virgin? Contrary to what this world would say, I would think that's alright. At least you didn't have to suffer a physical relationship ending in a sort of divorce without all of the legal work. Never regret the decision to trust and rely on God. In the end, you can say, I did it all for you.
